Packed last few days: We were meant to have classes today, despite it being Good Friday. However, the schedule was thankfully rearranged a few days ago with 9am-8pm sessions these past two days as a trade-off. Such long hours (pfft) but luckily, I found the subject ("Tools for Conflict Transformation") fascinating and the workshops (using the tools on our own case-studies) not only entertaining, but also illuminating, for typical daily conflicts and even for internal dilemmas.
Sharing a few key points:
Detangling: We should try and detangle the "underlying goals" of the parties which is intangible, from "behaviour" which is visible. Even when the behaviour is terrible or unacceptable. Typically, we tend to respond to the behaviour instead of the underlying goal: this is especially true in the case of children: parents often punish bad behaviour and overlook to address their underlying goals. Adults also often do the same to one another. {I have to say that I fall into this trap when I become annoyed with MIL for her comments that I'm too old to have children when she is probably concern for my/future baby's health). The underlying goals can be legitimate or illegitimate: the former for example relates to fulfilment of basic needs (survival, freedom, identity, well being) and the latter for example results in unjust and hurting another.
Outcomes: Also, when a solution seem impossible, we are much better off thinking and speaking about likely outcomes to the conflict -as a starting point to think about the underlying issues. Possible outcomes like a mathematical equation (e.g. A wins & B loses; B wins & A loses, A&B lose, A&B compromise; transcend - a solution which provides benefit for both) or via a sorting method which considers four outcomes relating to the past and future (e.g best possible outcome in the future(good outcome in the past); worst possible outcome to avoid in the future (good experiences in the past).
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Interesting factoid: Did you know that approaching conflict peacefully is part of children's primary education in a number of schools in Norway?* Our Norwegian lecturers told us that their day jobs involve organising the curriculum and teaching kids as young as 5 the same conflict transformation tools they brought to us. The children's case studies include popular fairy tales or even making the difficult choice between having to learn something in class vs. wanting to play outside. Impressive and progressive don't you think? Makes me want to live in Norway.
*probably not the one attended by him
